Christmas has been and gone and all things considered it wasn't too bad. There were three of us at home, Dad, myself and the carer, Bee. I was a domestic goddess and did my first ever Christmas dinner. I thought it was pretty tasty - my braised red cabbage was yum, even if I do say so myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the nature of grief and of mourning recently. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that right now I'm feeling fine. It may be that I'm in the most monstrous denial and everything will hit me when I'm back in London and not looking after dad, but I don't think so. I think it's got a lot to do with the nature of mum's illness. she had been sick for a long time so I had had a long time to get used to it: in a way I had been grieving for a long time. And I can't say that I wish she was still here because to wish that would be to wish her more pain and more suffering. She had made it clear that she was ready to die and that she wasn't afraid of dying. So I can't feel bad about that.

Nor do I feel that there is a hole in my life without her. That sounds bad but it's not meant to. It's because I still feel her presence in my life as much as I ever did. I think it's harder for dad because he has lost his partner, his life's companion. But for me mum was an inspiration, a mentor, a teacher and I will always have that. I will try and live my life in a way that she would think was right and do things the way she taught me. I think where things will be hard is when something great happens and for the first time I won't be able to share it with her. But maybe it will be comforting to think how much mum would have enjoyed hearing about it. I think the other reason I'm not aware of a hole in my life is that Dad is still here. Mum and Dad together made up that entity "My Parents". While dad is still around then that entity still exists. When he's gone THEN I will really be aware of a hole in my life: I'm not looking forward to that, but I think I'll be ready.